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HomeTherapiesCouples Counselling Approach
Couples Counselling Approach

4 Minutes

Edited & medically reviewed by THE BALANCE Team
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Every relationship takes work. Love is not all that is needed for two people to remain in a healthy partnership. Human beings are emotional and flawed, and there must be room for this in a relationship in order for it to grow. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships. Each couple has their own set of values and understanding of what their relationship is and isn’t and how it should be. Therapy allows two people to explore and define those meanings and expand their perspective on it. It aims to work through wounds and create more flexibility between the pair. There are many common issues that come up in relationships. In order to understand those further, we sat down with our Head of Psychotherapy, Gita Chaudhuri, to discuss those issues, her approach to conflict, and key elements to sparking connection again.

Communication is key in relationships—but more specifically, the quality of communication. Chaudhuri invites her patients to change their perception of conflict. “A football game is a conflict. Conflicts are not inherently negative. We have different opinions; we want different things—that keep the system alive. It keeps it interesting. We need conflict, but we need to know how to deal with it. This all comes back to communication.” Chaudhuri teaches her clients how to listen, how to speak non-violently, and how to reframe issues. We want to increase flexibility within the relationship and establish mutual values.

Chaudhuri approaches couples’ counselling with a mindfulness-based approach. “I help the partner to become aware of what’s going on inside of them, and then to become aware of what’s going on inside their partner. This slowing down builds awareness. This increases the quality of their interaction.” This way of being with one another has the capacity to create emotional safety. From that place, we can rebuild connection and intimacy.

In the beginning of a relationship, curiosity is a given. It’s how we get to know one another physically, emotionally, and spiritually. There is also the element of wooing, we are actively working towards wanting the other person to stay. When relationships move past the honeymoon phase, which can be after the first year or first few years, and it stabilises into a routine that’s when people complain about a lack of desire. “We want to reactivate this curiosity for one another,” says Chaudhuri. There are practical steps to accomplishing this. Things like quality time, carving out time for intimacy, and not spending all the free time with friends or kids. The interactions can go on autopilot, we want to bring it back to this moment-to-moment exploration of one another. That state of play is only possible from a place of safety. The issues that are coming up need to be laid out and worked through as individuals and as a pair. This happens alongside building that intimacy back.

When couples complain that they’ve lost the feeling of love, they are expressing a lack of connection. A connection can always be rebuilt. The issue that comes up in accordance to this is attachment. People become so symbiotic that they start to melt into each other. It can get to a point where you don’t know who’s who. Chaudhuri says: “You have to differentiate in the relationship. Independence for both individuals. You can only connect to another if you are connected to yourself.” This is often an early step in repairing relationships – allowing both people to deal with their own issues and reconnect to themselves so they can see the other person more clearly.

“We want to increase the degrees of freedom in the relationship, to make space, and create tolerance for one another. This is a principle of democracy: you have to be able to express opinions without fear of consequence. The same principle is true within a relationship.” This opens up breathing room for each individual to live their own lives fully alongside one another. If the goals or dreams of one person are being suffocated or repressed, the relationship cannot work.

All relationships have hurdles. Every day, we choose to work on and through problems that arise both personally and within the partnership context. Remember: conflict is not inherently negative. It’s what makes life interesting, it’s how we find solutions. Communication is key to dealing with these conflicts. We have to slow down, and build an awareness of both what’s going on inside of us as well as our partner. From there, we can rebuild intimacy. In the beginning of relationships, curiosity is inherent. This exploration of one another can be actively practised and built back. A relationship is not two people merging into one thing; it’s a social system built between two people. The individuality should never be lost. We cannot connect with another if we are not connected to ourselves.

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