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HomeMental HealthNarcissismReactive Abuse
Reactive Abuse

11 Minutes

Edited & medically reviewed by THE BALANCE Team
Fact checked

Reactive abuse is a consequence of being pressed to emotional limits, which makes the victim act aggressively or, at least, defensively. 

Although the term “reactive abuse” suggests that the behavior is reactive, it is crucial to note that these reactions are not the same as constant abusive conduct. Rather, they are a result of stress, manipulation, and emotional exhaustion, which makes the situation seem more complicated than it is.

Reactive abuse is a form of abuse that occurs when the person who is more often abused or manipulated suddenly becomes aggressive or intense towards the abuser. The abuser may make the victim angry, use abusive language on the victim, or take the victim to the edge where the victim will act out violently [1]. 

The abuser can in turn use this reaction to justify his/her actions and make it seem like the victim is the one who is attacking him/her. The term ‘reactive’ underscores the fact that the victim is acting only in response to the current abuse.

How Does Reactive Abuse Work?

Manipulation: The abuser continually tries to get a reaction out of the victim through the use of words of derogatory nature or by telling lies or playing mind games with the victim [1].

Reaction: The victim, due to the continuous abuse, might act in a manner that is provocative or irrational.
Blame Shift: The abuser then proceeds to use this reaction to justify that the victim is abusive, and can even twist the ears of other people into believing this.

Cycle Reinforcement: This can lead to the victim feeling guilty, ashamed, or responsible for the conflict, thereby perpetuating the abuse.

It enables the abuser to dominate his or her partner while at the same time presenting him or herself as the victim, thus confusing the real victim and making him or her question the reality of the situation.

Reactive Abuse Vs. Active Abuse And Overreacting: What Is The Difference?

Active Abuse: This is when the abuser consciously acts out negatively, in this case verbally emotionally, or even physically, to hurt the victim.

Reactive Abuse: The victim’s extreme reaction to constant harassment, which may look like abuse if one were to look at it in isolation. It is not planned and most of the time it results from anger or despair.

Overreacting: Overreacting means an exaggerated response to a certain situation, but this does not mean it is caused by prolonged abuse. Overreaction is different from reactive abuse in the sense that overreaction refers to the intensity of the reaction in routine circumstances whereas reactive abuse takes place in circumstances of continuous abuse.

How To Know If You Are A Victim Of Reactive Abuse

Feeling Provoked: You always feel challenged to the edge by someone’s actions or something they said.

Out-of-Character Reactions: You experience behaviors you would not normally exhibit, including screaming, sobbing, or becoming violent.

Blame Shifting: The one who teases you then turns around and accuses you of being the abuser, leaving you feeling guilty or confused.

Isolation: One might begin avoiding people, thinking that everyone will side with the abuser and his/her words against you.

Emotional Manipulation: You always get the feeling that you are being controlled but you are not very sure of what is real since the abuser is very cunning.

If you can identify these signs, then you will be able to realize that your response is due to constant abuse and not your personality.

Reactive abuse is a common strategy that narcissists employ to retain power and dictate the terms of the interaction. They feed on the element of fear and uncertainty and their primary aim is to make the victim question his or her sanity. 

Here’s how they’re linked:

Provocation: Narcissists are very good at provoking their victims, they know how to get under the skin.

Control: They can thus keep a tight rein on the victim as the latter is forced to rely on the narcissist for a reaction, thus leaving the victim in a vulnerable state.

Blame Game: Narcissists are masters of projection, which means that they are excellent at passing the buck. They will then make the victim react and they will turn around and say the victim is the one who is abusing them.

Gaslighting: They may use techniques such as gas lighting where the perpetrator makes the victim doubt their sanity, making the victim feel even more confused and guilty [2].

Mutual Abuse Vs. Reactive Abuse

Mutual Abuse is a type of abuse whereby both the male and female partners in a relationship are involved in the abuse of the other partner. They use aggression in which one or both of them use physical force, psychological force, or words to control or harm the other person. In mutual abuse, both partners are involved in the use of force or the committing of harm to each other.

Reactive abuse, on the other hand, occurs when an individual, who is always subjected to abuse, overacts when responding to their abuser’s stimuli. The reaction of the victim may seem abusive, but it is usually a backlash of constant emotional or physical abuse. The primary difference is that reactive abuse comes from being provoked while mutual abuse is when both partners are aggressive to each other.

The Workplace

A manager frequently demeans an employee, dismisses their contributions, and humiliates them in front of other people during a meeting. This the employee has to endure for months and one day he/she loses his/her temper and confronts the manager during a meeting. The manager then reports to the HR that the employee is aggressive and a difficult person to work with thus blaming the employee.

Domestic Situation

In a relationship, one person constantly undercuts the other and makes them question their worth and sanity. After enduring this for a long time, the victim raises their voice or throws something in anger. The abusive partner then proceeds to tell other people that they are being abused and use the outburst to give a false impression of being the victim.

School Bullying

A student is harassed by fellow students, whereby they are teased and sometimes even physically assaulted. One day the student attacks the bully by either punching or slapping him. This is because the bully will report the student to the teacher that the student attacked him/her for no reason and the student is punished.

Reactive abuse can be easily mistaken for active abuse but in most cases, they are a reaction to continuous provocation or manipulation. It is important to know what reactive abuse looks like so you know when it is being done, to you or someone else.

Intense Emotional Outbursts

Sudden Anger or Rage: A person developing reactive abuse may suddenly get angry or even enraged easily. These reactions are usually not in proportion to the current situation but are due to accumulated anger and pain from past incidents [2].

Crying or Emotional Breakdown: The victim may cry at some point, always feeling like they are under great pressure and being emotionally blackmailed. This may occur when one has been exposed to stress for a long without any chance to offload the stress.

Defensive or Aggressive Behavior

Verbal Aggression: The victim may use aggression in the form of verbal aggression, they may use abusive language or start shouting. This is mostly a self-defense mechanism that is used when one feels that they are on the receiving end or have been bullied time and time again.

Physical Reactions: At times, the victim may react physically, for instance, the victim may throw an object at the abuser or push the abuser away. These reactions are not planned but are a result of a feeling of being cornered or a sense of threat [2].

Guilt and Confusion

Immediate Regret: The feeling of guilt or regret is often experienced by the victim after the reaction. They might find themselves asking questions such as ‘Why did I do that?’ or ‘I shouldn’t have said it like that,’ even if they were provoked.

Doubting Reality: The victim may begin to question the events that occurred and think that they are the abuser instead. This is usually because the abuser has a way of confusing the victim and shifting the blame to the latter.

Isolation from Others

Avoiding Social Interactions: One may start avoiding friends and relatives because of embarrassment or because the abuser may convince them that they are the issue.

Fear of Being Misunderstood: They might feel that other people will not comprehend their behavior and will support the aggressor, thus, they will remain alone [1].

Chronic Stress And Anxiety

Constantly On Edge: The victim may be always on the edge, always tensed and alert, waiting for the next time the perpetrator will assault him or her. Such stress causes physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach upsets, or difficulty in sleeping.

Hypervigilance: They may become overly sensitive to any signs of the abuser to avoid any more confrontations; they may be constantly on the lookout. This state of alert can be very tiring and can cause the individual to become burnt out.

Attempts To Make Amends

Overcompensating: The victim may even bend backward to say sorry or compensate the offender even if they did not offend the offender. This is usually because of the hope of avoiding more cases of conflict or manipulation from the other party.

People-Pleasing: The victim may begin to attempt to give the abuser what he or she wants to not be upset or to elicit another response [3].

Internalizing The Abuser’s Narrative

Believing the Blame: Slowly, the victim may begin to accept the abuser’s assertion that it is the victim who is the source of the problem. This internalization can lead to low self-esteem and self-worth.

Self-Silencing: They may stop asserting their requirements or feelings, for anything they do or say will be turned against them. This can result in such things as the inability to feel emotions, or even feeling detached from everything.

Several factors can lead to reactive abuse. We will discuss a few of the most common of these:

Prolonged Provocation

Constant Criticism: Criticism or belittling a person over and over again weakens their psychological armor and this causes them to blow their top [2].

Emotional Manipulation: Some forms of manipulation, such as gaslighting or making someone feel guilty for something they never did, will make a person act defensively.

Repeated Humiliation: When a person has been humiliated or embarrassed several times, he or she will develop anger and resentment and may likely attack the offender.

Feeling Trapped

Lack of Escape: The victim may feel that there is no chance for him/her to free him/herself from the attacker, and thus, the frustration may lead to aggression.

Isolation: Sometimes, when a person is lonely and has no friends, family, or any kind of support, the feeling of hopelessness increases and so does the reaction.

Emotional Overload

Accumulated Stress: Stress from an abusive situation is chronic, which means that even a small thing can cause a large reaction because the person is overwhelmed emotionally.

Suppressed Emotions: A person may also tend to cry or shout after a long time of holding in their feelings.

Manipulation By The Abuser

Deliberate Provocation: This is why some abusers go out of their way to try to get a rise out of their targets, because then the victim is ‘asking for it,’ or so the argument goes.

Gaslighting: When the abuser is successful in making the victim question his or her reality, the victim becomes confused and frustrated, which leads to reactive abuse.

Power Imbalance

In a relationship where one partner is submissive while the other is dominant, the submissive partner may feel stranded and helpless and will only act violently when he or she has no other option.

Reactive abuse can only be prevented if one learns its various mechanisms and how to prevent the escalation of anger and other strong feelings. This is a cycle and one should take charge before emotions run high and actions follow suit.

Recognize the Triggers

Identify Patterns: See the pattern of when the abuser is likely to provoke you and how he or she will do it. Knowing these patterns can assist you in preventing it and not getting into similar pitfalls.

Acknowledge Your Emotions: It is important to observe how you feel when you are being provoked. It can be useful to identify anger, frustration, or being hurt to monitor how these feelings may influence actions.

Practice Emotional Regulation

Pause Before Reacting: If you are angry, do not respond immediately, instead, wait for some time before answering. This can assist you not to respond in a manner that may be used against you in the future.

Deep Breathing: Another technique is to take deep breaths to help the mind and body relax especially when one is in a position to have to respond calmly.

Mindfulness Techniques: Mindfulness is a great way of ensuring that you do not get carried away by the emotions that are surrounding the issue. This can help to lower the chances of a severe response.

Set Boundaries

Clear Communication: Make sure that the abuser understands what is wrong and make sure that you set your limits. It may not prevent the abuse, but it will assist you to feel that you are in some way able to control what is happening.

Limit Interaction: Try to minimize the time spent with the person who makes you angry if it is possible. This may help to minimize situations where they can provoke a response [3].

Physical Distance: When stressed, the best way to handle the situation is to take a walk to another room. It can make you avoid doing something that you will later regret doing when you are angry.

Seek Support

Talk to Trusted Friends or Family: Telling the incidents to someone that you know can help you gain some perspective and help you manage your responses better.

Professional Help: A therapist or counselor can assist you in dealing with the feelings and pressure that cause reactive abuse. They can also offer ways of handling various situations.

Support Groups: It is recommended to join a group for survivors of abuse since these people can share tips on how to deal with emotions and establish limits.

Develop Coping Strategies

Journaling: Journaling is an effective way to get through emotions and to understand why you act in a certain manner.

Engage in Relaxing Activities: It is possible to engage in some physical exercises like yoga, meditation or even walking since they help reduce stress and increase emotional strength.

Positive Affirmations: It is important to change the thought process of an abused person and prevent a reactive reaction, which is why it is useful to recall one’s worth and strength [3].

Focus On Self-Care

Prioritize Your Well-being: Ensure that you eat well, exercise, and get enough rest to help your physical and mental well-being. When you are physically fit, you are in a better place to handle stress.

Practice Self-Compassion: Take care of yourself, particularly if you do react. Understand that you are not a robot and that reactive abuse is a result of being a victim for quite a long time. Letting go of the past is helpful and do not blame yourself for the things that you cannot change.

Plan For Future Interactions

Role-Playing: Learn how to respond to possible provocation in a non-aggressive way. It will also be helpful to role-play different scenarios so that you feel more prepared.

Prepare Responses: Prepare a list of positive, strong responses that you can use when you feel that the other person is trying to anger you. There is always comfort in knowing what you are going to say when you are going to say it and how you are going to say it.

Consider Exiting The Relationship

Evaluate the Relationship: If the cycle of provocation and reactive abuse is to be continued then it is worth asking whether the relationship is worth continuing.

Plan a Safe Exit: If exiting the relationship is the correct thing to do, one should do so wisely especially if there is a possibility of being harmed.

1. Very Well Mind. Understanding Reactive Abuse: Signs and Solutions. https://www.verywellmind.com/reactive-abuse-signs-impact-and-tips-to-break-the-cycle-7567483

2. Thrive Works. What does reactive abuse look like, and how do I get through it? https://thriveworks.com/help-with/abuse-neglect/reactive-abuse/

3. Choosing Therapy. Reactive Abuse: Signs, Effects, & How to Get Help. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/reactive-abuse/

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