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HomeMental HealthTrauma & PTSDPeople Pleasing Trauma
People Pleasing Trauma

10 Minutes

Edited & medically reviewed by THE BALANCE Team
Fact checked

People-pleasing trauma is most commonly associated with such adverse childhood experiences as emotional abuse, neglect, or criticism. This behavior is characterized by an urge to please other people and avoid situations that may cause conflict or rejection. 

From the available literature, it has emerged that people pleasers suffer from low self-esteem and depend on other people’s approval to feel appreciated. They can struggle to set personal boundaries and learn to say no, which results in constant stress, anxiety, and, eventually, burnout. 

Analyzing people pleasing as a trauma response contributes to the identification of the roots of this behavior and the necessity to work on it for psychological and emotional well-being.

People-pleasing trauma involves the psychological process whereby an individual develops the habit of putting the needs of others before his or her own needs. This behavior is usually a result of previous traumatic events, which could be emotional abuse, rejection, or constant criticism during childhood. 

These individuals grow up learning that it is better to make others happy to escape conflict, rejection, or punishment and this becomes a cycle that is hard to escape.

What Do People Pleasing Trauma Look Like

The symptoms of people-pleasing trauma include different actions and feelings. 

Some common signs include:

Difficulty Saying No: People have a hard time saying no regardless of whether it will be a burden to them or not.

Fear of Conflict: They are extremely conflict-avoidant and will put up with a lot rather than assert their opinion or get their way.

Low Self-Esteem: They have low self-esteem since they rely on other people’s approval; they feel rejected and worthless whenever people do not approve of them.

Overcommitment: They accept more than they can handle to make people happy or to be happy themselves and end up overwhelmed.

Suppressing Emotions: They deny their emotions and ideas to prevent themselves from offending other people.

Dependency on Approval: They always seek approval from other people to be happy.

Real-Life Examples of People Pleasing Trauma

Emma’s Struggles At Workplace

Emma was raised in a family where she was never good enough and was always being compared to her siblings. She takes this need for approval to her workplace as an adult woman. 

Emma is the kind of employee who comes to work early and also spends a lot of time in the office closing other people’s business even when she has to complete her tasks. She cannot reject anything because she believes her colleagues will not like her or she is not a team player. Emma becomes tired and angry but she cannot seem to break the cycle that has been set in the relationship.

John’s Relationship Challenges

John grew up in a broken home after his parents separated when he was in his early years and felt obliged to maintain order in the house. John grown up becomes involved in a relationship where he always an effort to ensure his partner is happy even though he is not happy. He does not express what he wants or needs, fearing that if he does, there will be a fight or he will be turned down. 

This is a perfect example of what John’s partner is going through; she does not know about his internal battle and begins to rely on his agreeableness. This dynamic results in an imbalance of power in the relationship; John becomes frustrated and overwhelmed with feelings of neglect.

People-pleasing trauma is typically based on childhood and developmental experiences that result in the need for approval and the avoidance of confrontation. These causes may differ but they may include child rearing, socialization, and experiences of abandonment or maltreatment. 

Knowledge of such causes can help in identifying the behaviors related to people-pleasing.

Childhood Upbringing

One major reason why people-pleasing trauma is experienced is when a child grows up in a home where love and acceptance depend on certain behaviors. 

For instance, if parents only hug, kiss, or express love when the child does something that is expected of him or her or when he or she achieves certain objectives, the child grows up with the belief that the only way to be loved is by meeting people’s expectations. This can result in a cycle of people-pleasing behavior throughout their lifetime in an attempt to avoid rejection [1].

Emotional Neglect and Criticism

Children who are emotionally starved or those who are constantly criticized may resort to people-pleasing behaviors. 

If a child grows up and constantly feels that his or her feelings and needs are not valued or are even dismissed, such a child may be conditioned to deny herself or himself and strive to meet the expectations of others in exchange for some form of acceptance. This gradually becomes a part of the individual’s personality and character and can culminate in people pleasing as a form of trauma.

Societal And Cultural Influences

Societal and cultural factors can also cause people-pleasing trauma. Some cultures are collectivist, which means that the group’s needs are valued more than the needs of an individual. While this can help build community and cooperation it can also lead to compliance and conformity, even at the cost of the individual. 

Moreover, the culture and traditions of the society make people, especially women, follow the rules of being kind and forgiving and thus, people pleasing.

Low Self Esteem And Insecurities

People who lack personal identity or have low self-esteem are more vulnerable to people-pleasing trauma. They might have learned that their worth is in making other people happy and avoiding any form of confrontation. This can result in a compulsive search for approval from other people since they do not feel they are good enough on their own. These anxieties may be compounded by rejection, failure, or social exclusion in childhood, adolescence, or adulthood [1].

Pleasing people’s trauma can impact almost every aspect of a person’s life, including their mental well-being and interpersonal relationships. This is a behavior that is usually a result of a traumatic event and is brought about by the desire to avoid confrontation. 

It is important to know the effects of people-pleasing trauma to be able to identify it and find the right help.

Mental Health Consequences

Another area that is significantly affected by people-pleasing trauma is mental health. People who tend to be overly obliging or pleasing personalities always live a stressed-up and anxious life. 

This constant demand to conform to others’ expectations results in the feeling of burnout and exhaustion. It also leads to low self-esteem because people pleasers depend on the approval of others to define themselves. In the long run, this results in depression because they may not find purpose in life and may not be themselves.

Loss Of Self-Identity

People who always seek to meet the expectations of others end up losing their individuality. This is because people pleasers are likely to deny themselves their wants, needs, feelings, and thoughts to avoid conflict or even rejection. 

This can make it hard for them to identify and meet their own needs over time and they end up becoming dependent. They may become alienated from themselves; they may not know what they want or what they need in life. This lack of self-awareness can also impede the process of individual development and, therefore, the individual’s happiness [2].

Relationship Imbalances

The people-pleasing behavior is likely to lead to unhealthy relationships since the dynamics involved are not healthy. If one person in a relationship is always prioritizing the other, it usually results in an imbalance of give and take. This can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration. 

For instance, a people pleaser in a romantic relationship may always surrender to the partner’s demands and never express their own needs and wants, hence a relationship characterized by no respect and appreciation. This can over time exert pressure or even rupture the relationship [2].

Professional Impacts

At the workplace, people-pleasing leads to work overload, and the person becomes exhausted. Those who have a problem with rejecting requests may end up agreeing to do more work than they can handle, this results in stress and low performance. They may also lack confidence while trying to make their opinions or gain equal rights in the workplace, promotions, or recognition of work. It can be highly detrimental to one’s career advancement and overall job satisfaction as people-pleasers are typically overworked and underappreciated.

Physical Health Effects

The stress and anxiety of people pleasing also have negative impacts on physical health. Stress is known to have long-term impacts on the immune system, thus leaving individuals vulnerable to diseases. It also causes sleep disorders, headaches, and other stress-related conditions. 

Additionally, people pleasers are likely to ignore their health requirements including exercise, proper diet, and health checkups, which worsens their physical health.

Social Consequences

The act of people-pleasing can also affect a person’s social relationships and even friendships. Those who always put others first may find it difficult to establish healthy relationships with other people. They may feel that friends take advantage of them and do not appreciate the kind-heartedness of the person. This can make the people pleaser withdraw socially and become isolated because they will avoid any situation that makes them feel used. This, in turn, may lead to the diminishment of the social circle and feelings of loneliness over time.

Difficulty In Setting Boundaries

Another issue that a person with people-pleasing tendencies struggles with is the establishment of boundaries. They may experience social anxiety or shame when it comes to setting boundaries and saying no. This makes it hard to set boundaries, and one ends up being used by others, which just perpetuates the people pleasing. In this case, people pleasers may struggle to set up barriers to their schedule, strength, and health [2].

The recovery process from people-pleasing trauma includes recognizing the causes of such behavior and actively working on changing these unhelpful habits that are rooted in the personality. This is a process that calls for personal insight, assertiveness, and, most of the time, counseling. 

Below are some of the useful advice and therapy that can assist people to recover from or manage people-pleasing trauma.

Recognize And Acknowledge The Behavior

The first thing that a person experiencing people-pleasing trauma should do is to identify that they are a people-pleaser. Learn to note instances where you find yourself obliging others even when it is unfavorable to yourself. This will help you recognize the situations and the causes that make you act in a people-pleasing manner and the fears that are associated with it.

Practice Self-Awareness

The first step to ending people-pleasing is to work on self-awareness. Take time to think and or feel about yourself and how you behave. Journaling may be useful in this case, as it enables the person to delve deeper into their experiences and feelings. Thus, with increased self-attunement, one can grasp the origin of people-pleasing behaviors and their impact on one’s life.

Set Boundaries

For one to overcome people-pleasing trauma, one should learn how to establish and uphold good boundaries. Begin by listing out situations in your life where you have to set boundaries. Learn to decline invitations that are not healthy for you, and be very vocal about your decisions. Always bear in mind that it is okay to set limits because it is an act of self-nurturing rather than being self-absorbed [3].

Build Self-Esteem

It is crucial to help the patients build up their self-esteem and self-worth as part of the process of recovery. Participate in activities that you derive positive feelings that enhance your self-worth. This can include activities such as hobbies, skill acquisition, or association with people who encourage and accept one as he or she is. Self-compassion and positive affirmations are also other ways of increasing your self-esteem.

Develop Assertiveness Skills

By adopting assertiveness, one can easily express himself or herself and get exactly what he or she wants. The treatment used in assertiveness training is the act of how to say what one wants to say in the right manner and at the same time respecting the opinions of others. It also assists you in being able to defend yourself without having that guilty conscience or becoming anxiety-ridden as you focus on pleasing other people.

Associate Yourself With Supportive People

Finding other like-minded family and friends may help with encouragement and positive reinforcement to leave the people-pleasing mentality. Develop positive social interactions with people who value your boundaries and love you for who you are. Such relationships can assist in developing confidence for a sick person to stand up and demand what they want and deserve [3].

Challenge Negative Beliefs

Co-dependency results from negative self-images, for example, low self-esteem and fear of rejection. These are beliefs that should be challenged through cross-examination of evidence in support of each of these beliefs and the opposites. The idea here is to substitute negative self-talk with positive, realistic self-statements. For instance, tell yourself that you deserve decency even if the rest of the world does not think so or care for you.

Seek Professional Help

People-pleasing trauma can be helped by therapy because therapy helps provide support and direction. A therapist will assist you in the identification of the root cause of the behavior, the effects of the behavior, and the adoption of healthier behavior. 

Some effective therapies for addressing people-pleasing include:

Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT): CBT can assist you in recognizing and disputing different negative cognitions that lead to people-pleasing. These thoughts can be changed and in so doing, you can change your behaviors and attitudes for the better.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT): DBT is centered on the acquisition of skills in emotion regulation, mindfulness, and interpersonal skills. The following skills can assist you in dealing with the stress and anxiety of people-pleasing and enhancing your relationships.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): EMDR is a therapy intended to assist people in overcoming the effects of trauma. It may be especially useful for treating the core issue of trauma that can lead to people-pleasing behaviors.

1. Good Therapy. Where People Pleasing Comes From. https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/where-people-pleasing-comes-from/

2. Healthline. How to Tell if People-Pleasing is a Trauma Response. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/7-subtle-signs-your-trauma-response-is-people-pleasing

3. Very Well Health. How to Stop People-Pleasing. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412

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