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HomeMental HealthAnxietyHow To Overcome Fear Of Intimacy
How To Overcome Fear Of Intimacy

12 Minutes

Edited & medically reviewed by THE BALANCE Team
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Within the framework of a close relationship, intimacy is defined as the willingness to present oneself honestly, both good and bad. It is unaffected by reciprocity. Family, friends, and romantic partners can all develop intimacy. Fear of intimacy, often known as avoidance anxiety, intimacy avoidance, or intimacy anxiety disorder leads to emotional isolation or uncontrolled closeness.

If you have a phobia of intimacy, you may be avoiding it on purpose or without realizing it. Fear of intimacy does not always imply a desire for personal relations. You may yearn for intimacy but are unable to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

Continue reading to learn more about intimacy fear and what you can do to overcome it.

Intimacy is defined as the ability to truly communicate one’s actual self with another person, as well as the sensation of being near and connected. Some people distinguish between different sorts of intimacy, such as:

  • Intellectual: To be able to converse your ideas and views to others.
  • Emotional: The ability to communicate your deepest sentiments to another person.
  • Experiential: Ability to share one’s own experiences with others.
  • Sexual: The ability to sexually share yourself
  • Spiritual intimacy: To be able to share your beliefs in a higher authority or personal connection to others.

To varying degrees, the fear of intimacy may include some or all of these types of intimacy.

For someone afraid of intimacy, the problem usually arises when relationships become “too close”. Though the two can be closely linked, the fear of intimacy is distinct from the fear of vulnerability. A person who suffers from a fear of intimacy may initially feel comfortable being vulnerable and revealing their whole self to the world, but there are frequently limits to how intimate they will go.

Here are five frequent indications to check for if you or your spouse have a phobia of intimacy:

1. Negotiated Monogamy & Open Relationships

Many relationships don’t belong in this category because they have a stipulated monogamy pact or prefer to be sexually open. They usually agree to confront themselves about their sex ideals and views; there is a strong commitment to each other, openness, and a continuing desire to nurture their partnership sexually or in other ways that are more important to them. Each individual agrees to the agreement voluntarily, rather than out of phobia of abandonment or despair.

We generally see a lot of couples who have agreed to reduce or avoid closeness, especially when it comes to settling difficulties or acknowledging actual sexual feelings. They find it much easier to delegate these responsibilities to others. It’s also possible that a monogamous relationship’s closeness is too intimate, and others are introduced into the sexual world to reduce the intimacy.

2. Short-term, frequent relationships

The failure to self-validate might lead to serial monogamy as the reassurance from one relationship becomes insufficient. They may have to leave to be re-validated by others to control their feelings about their appearance, attractiveness, self-worth, and other aspects of themselves. Alternatively, they may stay but seek affirmation by surreptitiously using dating apps or having online affairs.

3. Cheating and Extramarital Affairs

Cheating is a popular approach when validation from a spouse ceases – which it will at some time, since being held responsible for validating somebody who can’t validate themselves is stressful. Cheating, like open partnerships, can be used to avoid sexual problems or reduce intimacy.

4. Difficulties in Communication and interaction

Another sign that you’ll have a fear of intimacy is your inability to communicate your needs to your spouse. Feeling as if your wants or desires are secondary can make it difficult to express them. It’s critical to remember that our partners didn’t realize what we need unless we tell them. It might often feel that not sharing validates that our needs are unimportant. In the long run, the failure to convey demands and discuss these difficulties within the partnership might destroy confidence.

5. Physical Intimacy Difficulties

People can have difficulties with acts of physical intimacy. It can also lead to some people overcompensating with physical intimacy (rather than other types of intimacy) to the extent that it occurs more frequently than the other partner would want.

For many people, feelings of abandonment and engulfment, as well as a fear of loss, lie at the heart of their fear of intimacy, and these fears can overlap. Even though the anxieties are distinct, they both result in behaviors that draw the partner in and then drive them away.

These worries are usually anchored in childhood memories and aroused by the here-and-now of relationships in adulthood, which can confuse if a person only looks at the relationships in the present.

Anxiety disorders are linked to a fear of intimacy.

Fear of Abandonment

Those who fear desertion are concerned that their lover may abandon them. This dread generally stems from a childhood experience of being emotionally or physically abandoned by a parent or other significant adult figure.

Fear of Engulfment

Those who are terrified of being engulfed in a relationship are scared of being dominated, controlled, or “losing oneself,” and this worry can arise from growing up in an entangled household.

Intimacy Anxiety Disorders

Intimacy phobia can also be a symptom of a social phobia or an anxiety condition. Some doctors consider the fear of relationships or intimacy to be a subgroup of these disorders.

People who are fearful of being judged, evaluated, or rejected by others are more prone to avoid developing deep, personal ties. Furthermore, some specific phobias, like the fear of touch, can arise alongside the fear of intimacy.

Some people, on the other hand, maybe at ease in superficial social circumstances, with hundreds of social media “friends” and acquaintances but no genuine personal relationships.

Many people who are afraid of intimacy are unable to perceive genuine displays of affection from their relationships and loved ones.

Here are some pointers to help you overcome your fear of physical intimacy:

Be attentive to your partner’s views and concerns to start overcoming your fear of intimacy issues. Be willing to discuss the source of your fear openly and honestly. If your fear is affecting your life quality, get expert help.

Think about why you’re feeling this way. Putting a name to your emotions might help you analyze your experiences and memories. When did your fear of intimacy start? Can you recall the first moment you recognized you had a problem with intimacy?

Be brave. It requires courage to open yourself up to others, expose your actual self, and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Learning to conquer your fear of intimacy requires taking a leap of faith and hoping that someone will embrace you. Don’t let your fear prevent you from taking a chance.

To overcome your fear of intimacy, try cognitive behavioral therapy with a certified therapist. You might be able to silence your inner critic and gradually overcome your fear of intimacy with loved ones if you understand how to revise and reframe unpleasant thoughts.

A vicious circle of fear and tension of intimacy can develop. You will avoid intimacy the more worried and anxious you are. You’ll feel more agitated and anxious the longer you ignore it. This habit of conduct simply serves to strengthen the fear. To ease the tension and agitation, try meditation or yoga. If that’s not your thing, simply making time for something you want each day should suffice.

Assess your history. The first step to conquering your fear of intimacy is to figure out where it came from (and how it manifests in your current life).

Appreciate your partner’s passion and commitment to helping you conquer your fear of intimacy if they have indicated that they are prepared to stick with you while you work over your worries.

Make minor adjustments. As you learn to conquer your fear of intimacy, practice being vulnerable. Introduce yourself to new people and gently and carefully push your emotional boundaries. You’ll be able to gradually increase your risk-taking and change-making abilities. You will eventually realize that intimacy and sharing your actual self with the world has advantages over living behind a mask of fear and severe intimacy concerns.

Additional medication could be an option if talk therapy isn’t enough to relieve anxiety and other symptoms associated with fear of intimacy in extreme cases.

Before taking any drug, please contact your physician or primary care doctor.

You will have to exercise patience if your loved one is dealing with a fear of intimacy. Setbacks are to be anticipated and are entirely acceptable. It’s critical to establish safety and trust before your loved one may begin to open up.

If your loved one attempts to push you away, try not to take it personally or react with rage. Understand that they are afraid of you rejecting them, not the other way around.

As you consider your partner’s words and actions, keep in mind their fear of rejection, abandonment, or engulfment. Their upbringing may compel them to perceive an action differently than you do.

If your partner is dealing with a fear of engulfment as a result of growing up in an enmeshed household, for instance, surprising them with “we’re going on a trip” may not be a kind and joyful surprise at all, and may strengthen their fear of being dominated or controlled. Providing clear options and ensuring your partner is included in all decisions, on the other hand, maybe perceived as more loving.

It’s critical to remind yourself of your love regularly, using both words and acts. Don’t assume that your partner “feels” appreciated and adored. Promote and encourage an environment for them to believe they are worthy of it.

Most crucial, explain to your partner that overcoming anxiety is a joint effort. While you’re probably curious, you don’t need to know how it all began. Rather, what your loved one requires is your support and an open ear when they are ready to speak.

Lastly, take note that fear of intimacy usually manifests itself in deep, meaningful relationships rather than superficial ones. It’s also more often than not triggered by pleasant emotions rather than negative ones.

To manage the fear of intimacy, professional help is usually needed, particularly if the fear is based on intricate past events. Therapeutic rapport, respect and understanding, and trust are all important aspects of the healing process, so choose your therapist carefully. You may need to try numerous therapists before you discover one who works for you.

Your therapist can assist you in coming to grips with any past or current experiences that are clouding the issue, as well as helping you devise a series of little measures to progressively move through your fear.

Many people who are afraid of intimacy often struggle with depression and anxiety disorders and substance abuse, all of which require treatment. Individual concerns can also be addressed by a therapist.

Therapy For Intimacy Issues

Therapists who specialize in intimacy issues address the problems that arise when mental medical problems, relationships, sex, and intimacy issues intersect. They specialize in the treatment of all sorts of trauma (physical, sexual, emotional, financial, spiritual, etc.). They also assist people in overcoming a variety of obstacles. 

Personal therapy can help with compulsive behaviors and addiction, intimacy, healthy limits, sexuality, relational challenges, disordered eating, body image dissatisfaction, personality disorders, and mood disorders.

There are numerous sorts of therapy available. Cognitive-behavioral therapy, psychoanalysis, and other types of somatic therapy and talk therapy, according to research, can all help you enhance your quality of life. The strength of your relationship with your therapist is the most persistent factor that influences whether interpersonal therapy is beneficial.

Coping and Management

Whether you work with a psychotherapist or not, there is certain work that only you can do to overcome a fear of intimacy. This primarily comes down to confronting and fighting negative self-perceptions, which are essential for long-term development.

This approach may take some time, as well as a readiness to embrace uncertainty and the effort to reflect on your past to figure out how and why you formed this phobia.

Accept the unknown.

Those who are afraid of closeness are also afraid of the consequences of a bad relationship. Accepting that there are no certainties in life or interpersonal behavior is critical. Every interaction with another person is a gamble in the end. Regardless, social ties are a fundamental element of human existence.

It has been discovered that developing positive interpersonal experiences can help to reduce fear. One caveat: you should only do this with someone you know you can trust. Instead of focusing on (or wanting) a specific outcome, try to focus on life day today.

Show Self-Compassion

To successfully overcome your fear of intimacy, you should first feel at ease with yourself. Rejection is not as terrible as it may appear if you fully understand and embrace your value and worth as a person.

You’ll be able to create proper limits to avoid becoming engulfed and to deal with desertion or abandonment if it occurs.

Self-compassion may appear simple to some, but it is not necessarily intuitive to others. If you’re not sure where to start, there are various good books and worksheets to choose from.

Evaluate Your Past

Most of us wouldn’t like to think adversely about a parent or other parental figure, but try to be honest about your childhood connections to pinpoint any factors that may have contributed to your fear of intimacy. Consider the messages you got from your relatives and compare them to the ones you should have gotten.

Understanding that your relationship with your parent is not the only blueprint for close relationships may help you comprehend what is possible in terms of intimacy if you had a neglected, abusive, or dominating parent.

Listen To Your Inner Voice

The inner debate that contributes to the expressions of a fear of intimacy is frequently deep-seated, it might seem normal to you after spending a lifetime as your internal monologue.

Try to catch yourself casting unfavorable self-judgments rather than accepting that critic. Look to identify where they’re coming from, and when you can, challenge and correct them.

Take A Look At Your Goals.

What are your true objectives in life? Do you want to be in a long-term relationship? If yes, how have you previously driven people away? Take some time to reflect on your wishes and ambitions, as well as how your actions have aided or hampered them.

Give Yourself Some time

It takes a long time to overcome a fear of closeness. Even when you think you’ve made progress, you’ll undoubtedly have setbacks. When this happens, forgive yourself and say nice words to yourself.

Try not to see your fear as a weakness in your personality. Instead, consider it as something that likely arises from your deep past that you may work through to improve your future.

Positive relationship encounters have also been proved to be good for those who struggle with intimacy, according to research.

Having such pleasant experiences may help you build intimacy more easily over time.

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