Betrayal Trauma Recovery

It’s heartbreaking to learn that your partner has broken your faith. Whether you figured out your companion had an online, emotional, or physical affair, indulged in compulsive sexual activity or addiction, or lied to you about being with somebody they claimed to be “just a friend,” you may go through the following stages:

1. Shock and devastation

All you assumed you knew about your companion and your relationship has been thrown into doubt. “Who are you? I was under the impression that I knew you! How can I have been so blind? What am I going to do now? I don’t know how I could ever trust or love you again.” Your ability to believe in yourself, your intuition, and your understanding of reality have all been flipped on their heads. Things may seem surreal, and you may cry, feel depressed, apprehensive, or even scared, and be unable to eat and sleep. 

Realizing that your feelings are appropriate, that this phase will pass, and that you will survive will help you face each day with optimism. This phase might continue for weeks or even months, and it can be reactivated if you hear fresh details about your partner’s betrayal.

2. Anger

The collapse of relation and life as you know it would naturally elicit feelings of rage and, in some cases, a desire for vengeance. You’ll probably think to yourself, “I could destroy you, tell everybody we know, embarrass you, and force you to pay for what you did to me.” You may have comparable or more extreme thoughts of seeking vengeance from your partner’s betrayal, as well as everyone else who knew of your partner’s actions and sheltered them through inaction or enabling. It might be difficult to resist the impulse to act on these feelings but betrayed spouses rarely find revenge as rewarding as they had hoped. 

Furthermore, people frequently lament “outing” their partner to family members and friends, who are subsequently critical or withdraw support and communicate directly with you and your partner at entirely the wrong time. There will inevitably be a demand for more information regarding the betrayal, and some broad information, including when and how long the behavior occurred, and the nature of the activity, can be useful (use of prostitution or compulsive porn, crossing emotional intimacy limits at work, using dating sites online). 

Knowing about particular sexual activities or seeing texts and photographs, on the other hand, will be impossible to “un-see,” and also many betrayed companions will find these pictures and information to be even more distressing, so tread carefully if you feel compelled to inquire about such graphic details.

3. Grief and difficulty feeling grounded 

After the first outburst of rage has subsided, sorrow and even depression can find their place. It’s normal to be upset after any kind of loss, and the truth is that your relationship, as you thought it was, is ended. There is also the “loss of innocence” that comes with realizing that things aren’t always as they may seem and that the individual you thought you know isn’t really your partner. 

Both spouses and their relationship are forever affected when a betrayal is exposed. Your belief in your ability to trust yourself is also shattered, and you may begin to second-guess all of your actions. It’s difficult to know how to move on when your sentiments are “all over the place,” such as wanting to leave the relationship one minute and desperately wanting to salvage it the next. This stage will pass as well, though more slowly than the shock and rage stages. 

Finding “wise mentors” in the form of therapists who specialize in betrayal trauma and relationship recovery programs, like Sanon, will help you navigate through each stage more successfully and without feeling so alone.

4. Healing and Rebirth

If you and your partner have decided to work on rebuilding your link and moving forward together, sorrow, brokenness, and tragedy will give way to rediscovering yourself and your partnership. Knowing how you were involved in a betrayed relationship will help you build greater self-compassion and a mindset and willingness that you can be happy and strong again. 

You can start a new, healthy, and truly intimate relationship if you both concentrate on your own personal healing and progress. When each partner commits to a guided program of individual and relationship rehabilitation with qualified specialists and, if addiction or compulsive behaviors are present, the support of 12 step or addiction recovery programs, the couple can heal and be reborn. 

Couples’ prospects of effectively repairing and moving forward together are significantly lowered without professional or organized program assistance. Even if the betrayed partner refuses to seek treatment or make adjustments, individual rehabilitation and healing can occur.

Timeframe Of Stages Of Betrayal

There is no precise time span for these stages, with the exception of the initial shock and devastation at the time of discovery. When a betrayed partner is provoked, it’s common for components of each stage to resurface. Seeing a sexual movie scene, hearing a particular song, or driving past a hotel are all examples of unexpected triggers. 

Because cheated partners instinctually mark time as “before I knew” and “after I knew” after they have found a betrayal, the recovery of trust even with professional assistance and no new betrayal behavior usually requires at least a year, of going through a complete cycle of holidays, seasons and birthdays. 

However, trust may and will eventually return with the reliability of words and actions over time, as well as actual changes as a consequence of individual and couple efforts. Couples who work through a program of recovery and rebuilding trust and intimacy find that their connection and love are stronger than ever before and that they should never take their relationship for granted.